Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done... Psalm 105: 4-5


I know this scripture; it's written in my journal many times. I've scribbled it there out of joy, fear and complete desperation. The words are in my head--I recall them easily. In my times of need, my brain can quickly repeat what to do--look to God; call upon His strength; seek Him; don't forget the wonderful things He has done for me.

And that's where it ends. This wonderful set of instructions hasn't penetrated my heart. I know this because I've lived under a similar set of circumstances for nearly 4 years now. Clouds of uncertainty have passed by in what seems like a continual line. And with each fog...I completely panic, complaining to God that I don't have the strength, reminding Him that I've been doing this for years! It's sad, really. And it makes me realize that I am not growing or not enough anyway. It makes me realize that I mope in my circumstances. I am very much like the Isrealiltes---hearing God, but not letting His truths penetrate my heart. It makes me realize that I am not living the truths I so desperately read and scribble in my journal.

What's worse is that I've had ample opportunity to place these truths in my heart. Nearly fours years ago, my husband lost his job. We had five children--our recent additions were 5 months old. We were scared, unsure and angry. But God walked us through, showing us the reality of His provision and unconditional love. Throughout the next several years, we faced the same situation over and over. Today, we face it again. And with each time, I go right back to my three-step reaction: PANIC, PLEAD, and PITY. Truthfully, the reality of it makes sick to my stomach. I know His truths--I read about them; I write them; I even teach them. But when it comes to living them, I just don't measure up. I claim to know that God will take care of me. But when the job market is less than desirable and the bank account is depleated and I've cried the same prayer for years, I wonder...where is He? Does He really care? Has He left me? Is He angry with me?

I've seen God's Grace and Mercy in my life so many times; I've seen Him come through in impossible situations. And yet, when the going gets tough once again...my faith is weak, lacking, not there!

And I wonder...I wonder what He thinks. Because, frankly, I am so good at wondering what others think. Is He disappointed in my reaction, my doubt, my lack of faith? Why do I keep failing this test? Is it even a test to fail?

And it comes back to me--those words I scribbled in my journal, His words--Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done. It's a simple set of instructions. It doesn't specify when you do this. It doesn't say--Look to the Lord immediately, before you Panic, Plead and have a little Pity party. Perhaps just the act of looking to Him, seeking Him is what He wants--no matter where you are in a crisis. Sure, it would be great to do it immediately; but I don't. And that's just who I am. Does that mean that His truths haven't penetrated my heart? Does that mean I am not growing? Perhaps...not.

The most wonderful thing about all of this, about Him, is His Grace and His Mercy. He knows me. He knows the things I scribble in a journal; He knows my fear; He knows my thoughts; and He knows that when the going gets tough...I Panic, Plead and Pity FIRST. And yet, He loves me still.